The irony of the whole situation is that I ended up not being able to trust a guy who insisted that he needed time to learn to trust again. I gave him this opportunity to trust me with both hands open only to find that I just made myself an object for his convenience and use. Why is it that the guy who always seems to say the right things and is really attractive and smart and funny ends up being the one that breaks you? Maybe I did set myself up for this by being too open. But the thing is that’s just who I am. I believe in being honest and 100% yourself. If they can’t accept you for who you truly are then you are only wasting your time.
I’m not hurt about the fact that this was the first time I’ve ever been dumped. I knew it would happen some day. I’m hurt that I allowed myself to be manipulated yet again only to find that I was not allowing myself any happiness. I thought I was happy because I was able to spend time with him but I found that that happiness was a cruel charade and I was only making things “easy” for him. I was literally pushed by him, not something I’m a fan of, he pushed my head down on him, hate that with a passion, and he pointed out little things about me that he disliked; trivial things. The whole time he made me become aware of the things I have accepted about myself and he only made me feel guilty about them and that I was to blame for their manifestation. That is so unhealthy and toxic of a person.
When plans were made they were on his terms and he was ALWAYS late. I literally waited over an hour for him to meet up with me. Then the day after my surgery, of which he questioned the seriousness multiple times, he tells me that he was disappointed that I never got him off and that he spent so much money on me and how I never did anything for him. All of this bullshit made me realize how selfish of a person he is and that he feels that because he has money and is older than me, he is entitled to a perfection that he will dictate. When we fought for the first time the other night, he seemed totally taken aback that I had claws and fought back for the privacy that I knew I had the right to. The fact that I had to convince him that I didn’t have cancer and that he couldn’t catch what I have pissed me off almost as much as the fact that he wanted a physician’s document to prove the validity of my ailment. This sickens me that he took everything from me only to throw it back in my face and mock me.
There are some really sick sons of bitches out there and I only wish them the longest and loneliest lives.